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File with the other jokes!
22-Apr-2003, 02:26 PM
Post: #1
File with the other jokes!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3AM by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance " says the husband, "It`s 3 o`clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some druk guy asking for a push." ha answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It`s 3 in the morning and pouring down outside".
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can`t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes", comes back the reply.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please", comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?".
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Jim
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22-Apr-2003, 05:32 PM
Post: #2
 
he he i hope you dont mind but i am going to take that and post it on my forum!

Love and LightHayley
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02-May-2004, 11:05 AM
Post: #3
 
THE wife came home after shopping and asked her husband what he had been doing while she was out.
"Killing flies," he said, "and I have killed three males and two females."
"How did you know what sex they were?" she asked.
"Simple," he said "Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone."
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21-May-2004, 03:18 PM
Post: #4
 
' How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?'

"None... let the beggar cook tea in the dark!"

http://artistsmock.blogspot.com/
http://www.artistsmock.com
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22-Mar-2005, 09:57 PM
Post: #5
 
[:o)][:o)]What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.


What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!
[:o)][:o)]
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23-Mar-2005, 08:24 PM
Post: #6
 
An insomniac goes to his doctor and says 'Doc I can't sleep', 'what seems to be the problem' asks the doctor. 'I lie awake singing'says the patient. The doctor asks'what song do you sing' The patient replies 'The green green grass of home'The doctor says 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me' The patient asks 'Is that common' The doctor replies 'Its not unusual'
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24-Mar-2005, 05:11 AM
Post: #7
 
How old do you look to your contemporaries? I came across this gem on another web-site I read. Apologies if it's old news.

A lady of "mature years" moved to a new town. She went to find a dentist and selected one after reviewing the resumes on their web-sites. She was intrigued by the name of the one she selected, as it matched that of a rather handsome fellow student that she remembered from her high school.

She didn't recognise this older gentleman dentist, but after the procedures were over, she asked if he had attended her high school. When he said yes, and gave his graduation year, the patient said "you were in some of my classes"

She subsequently reporrted to her friends that "this wizened, obnoxious old f--t said "really, what did you teach?"


Frank Damp

Frank Damp (wife Eileen, nee Nixon)
Leyland resident 1941-1965, emigrated to the US in 1968,
retired to Anacortes, Washington State, USA in 1999.
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25-Mar-2005, 03:32 AM
Post: #8
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog?
John
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26-Mar-2005, 03:38 AM
Post: #9
 
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy ..


... you just hoped nobody ever found out
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28-Mar-2005, 04:06 PM
Post: #10
 
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
>>> > her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says,
>>> > "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a
>>> > long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how
>>> > much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his
>>> > name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is
>>> > Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti
>>> > explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he
>>> > will need to secure some collateral against the loan.! She asks if he
>>> > has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have
>>> > this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch
>>> > tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains
>>> > that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a
>>> > back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called
>>> > Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
>>> > $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the
>>> > tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
>>> > (Are you ready?)





>>> > (You┬╣re gonna hate me!)







>>> > The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack,
>>> > Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
>>>
>>>

Jim
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