Today`s smile.

[Spitfire]

Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball,
I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."




2)An old guy was in Tesco's the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair,
green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. let's look for yours." J

Most old men are helpful like that.

[muffers]

I was just off to bed when I opened your topic and I had a really good laugh, thankyou Jim I needed that[][]

[sandyship]

Me too Jim- a few good laughs there. we don't get enough lightheartedness at times on this forum.. Good on ya. Sandy

[noel]

I'm off to Tesco's. [:p]

[noel]

Thanks for the tip Audrey. Talking of Tesco's ( if I can forget that fictitious bimbo for a while) I'm pleased we've all used the apostrophe correctly. It's one of my pet subjects their correct use, along with that of getting annoyed at the use of of instead of have. Grammar I guess, was hammered into us at Balshaw's.
Even this morning I followed a van advertising "stag and hen doo's".
In Turkey you could forgive the adverts for confusing where apostrophes are used or not used. Frequently you can see adverts for "cold drink's" or the like.
Next I need to study the use of colons and semi-colons.
Or maybe I need to get out more.[:p]

[dottymapley]

Noel, if you do go out more, you may pass a greengrocer's store where "tomato's" and "potato's" are advertised, and then you'll run home screaming. This misuse of grammar irritates me enormously;I am also a great advocate of colons and semi-colons. Several years ago, there were moves to abolish the semi-colon(thankfully they never came to fruition), and I believe there was some kind of Save the Semi-Colon Society set up. No, I didn't invent it or even join it, but feelings must have been running pretty high in some quarters!

[noel]

I thought you'd think I'd finally flipped when I wrote that Dorothy. Thank heavens someone shares my views. And when will people realise "of" is a preposition while "have" is a verb. They may sound similar but only when mispronounced, in my opinion, but they mean totally different things. I might of known. <ARGHHH>

[muffers]

Noel two things. Am correct in thinking that the apostrophe is suppose to be put were the letter is missing from the word. I think somewhere in the recesses of my brain I remember a teaching explaining it that way. Instead of saying 'we have' its we've but I must say my english teacher always preferred we do it the as she said the 'proper way'. Now you actually have my brain thinking. I like this topic.

Following on with this subject I think thats why education and I mean education of English, Math and writing need to be back in style. Here in the US they teach everything else. Things that parents should be teaching children and this takes time away from those important subjects.
When I went to the Senior School we had very good teachers it was not till I left and had to go to a really second rate school in Ellesmere Port that I realized that. I had never been a top grade student always middle of the road at the Senior School but I was learning. When I went to the School in Ellesmere Port I actually came top of my class and was a top student in the School. Sadly it was not because I was good but because the classes where so easy and the other students didn't care so it was not hard for me to reach the top. I always regret the fact that I missed some important years at school.

Then mention of the Colon reminds me I am having mine checked in a couple of weeks..............

[Spitfire]

Avril, Let`s hope it`s in the correct place.[][]

[noel]

Ha ha, thought the colon would get a mention. Yes what you've written is correct Avril, except you should have put an apostrophe in its, ie it's. But I wouldn't normally comment as it's bad manners in my opinion, it's only because we are talking about the ' that I did.Then of course there is the belonging apostrophe, John's hat (literally John (his) hat, but the same 's is used for plural ownership. "John and Brian's hats" where the 's is short for "their" hats.. Balshaw's Grammar School short for Balshaw (his) Grammar School. And the apostrophe followed by nothing.. Sainsbury's. Sainsbury's what? I ask. Lazy English that one, it should be Sainsbury's Supermarket of course but we all know what is meant. Quite how we get "potato's" and "tomato's " advertised, as Dorothy said, and we do, heaven only knows.
Sorry don't mean to be pedantic, but you can't change the habit of a lifetime.[]